Uncle.

Why do people say "uncle" when they have had enough?

Yesterday I was at my last AA meeting and a woman said, "I have an anger problem, so what God usually does is keep making me angry until I can't ignore it anymore and I have to deal with it." I laughed, and it was actually an inappropriate moment to laugh, but I felt like my laugh was a "girl, me too." Me too, except lately it's patience and control. Both of which I've got very little of. I have cussed more these past couple weeks than I think I have ever cussed in my whole life. I have pulled out all of the stops, no word left unspoken. I thought I was a patient person before these past few weeks, I thought I could handle a lot, but God has been showing me otherwise. I can't handle anything without Him. Seriously. He has put me in enough freaking situations where I COMPLETELY lack the skill, character, or patience to handle it and all I know to do is cuss. Oh, and get mad at God. I've done that more lately.

I feel like I'm being broken. That's the only way I know to explain it. (Side note: apologies for all of my regular readers who are tired of reading the same damn story line lately. It's what's happenin' right now. L-I-F-E.) I feel like the only way God can work on me is to break me into a thousand pieces. Everything has been broken these past few weeks. I went to therapy and couldn't figure out what to tell her first because everything is unstable. This past week I had a situation where I was so angry and sad I physically shook, and then burst into tears because I realized that my last "safe haven of stability" had crumbled. So much for having any other "safe havens" outside of God. But lately He hasn't felt like such a safe haven either. I'm mad at Him for putting me in crappy situations that feel really unsafe. I remind myself of the CS Lewis quote, "He's not safe, but He is good" and it really makes me angry. When I have felt like God has put me in really unsafe situations these past few weeks/month, I get really angry and sad. Why would a good God put me in unsafe situations? It doesn't seem to add up, but then again maybe I'm not far out enough to see that it does add up.

I'm exhausted from all this "training" that has been going on (or whatever "this" is) and the stress I'm feeling from writing final papers, taking the National Certification Exam, preparing for final exams, and finishing my internship is contributing to a real burnout feeling. I have had the thought, "I don't want to do this work anymore" at least once or twice per week for the past month. I am getting my Masters in Counseling on May 7th and I don't want to do it anymore? What the heck. I know that's the burnout feeling talking. I love my work. Just not right now.

Today I definitely relapsed on coffee with a foreal 3 cups this morning. One of my personal stress signals: caffeine consumption. I might have to go through a detox when classes are complete. The one good thing I have done for myself this week is to exercise even though I didn't feel like it. It really did help me to slow my roll, leave my cell phone for a while, get some Me Time, and de-stress. So kudos to me. I have done the best I could this week with what was going on. May 7th cannot come soon enough for me. God bless my little heart, but I need a new story. This "I'm struggling, life is really hard right now" story is on my freakin' nerves.